i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
