if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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