They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
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apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
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You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast