apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
