I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
