i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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