If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
