Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
