what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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