Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
