he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
