I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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