sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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