i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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