I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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