I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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