Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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