Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
