She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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