booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
