Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
