I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
