How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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