Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I would ride that face into the sunset
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
