the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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