The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
