At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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