i think my mom watched the whole time
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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