I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
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