I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
