Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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