How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
