Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
