I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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