I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
