seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I could fuck to npr.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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