Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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