Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
