I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
