Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Randomize
