I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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