I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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