Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
