im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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