First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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