i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
