Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Shame - the story of my life.
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