Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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