im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
