i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Two words: nipple clamps
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