i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
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He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
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God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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