I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
