youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
They took my balls.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
