I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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