Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
