Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
