Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I can't put those talents on a resume
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
