No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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