Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
only if we run a train.
done.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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