Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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