you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
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