I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
