woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
