Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
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I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
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It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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