As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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